Lucky Me!

How much luckier can a woman get?

Well, I guess it all depends on the woman herself. If for some women lucky means having found a man who would marry her, stay with her for all their lives, give her everything that a woman needs and wants, then I guess I AM lucky. But for me I consider myself very lucky because aside from finding the man most women search for all their lives, he is also someone on whom I can depend, someone I can trust my life with, and someone who never gives up on me in good times and bad. I’ve found someone who not only gives me everything I need but also makes all my dreams come true. He is my best friend, my confidant, the shoulder I cry on, the wind beneath my wings and most of all, my dream maker. With him, I can simply be me, not pretending to be someone else, not caring whether my hair is in a mess or that my skin is not perfect. Because I know deep in my heart, that he would still love me with all my imperfections. He loves me as well as all the “baggage” I have carried with me. He loves me without any condition at all. So if you ask me if I think I am lucky? I couldn’t ask for anything more. I guess I could say, I am one of the luckiest!

Sweetest sounds for me

My mother’s voice as she sang me to sleep when I was little: “In my little room, I’m all by myself, but there on the shelf is a picture of you”.

My father’s laughter every time I’ve done something crazy; and his favourite words to me: “My most beautiful daughter." 

My husband’s words when he was still courting me: “You’ve been working too long and many people have been leaning on you but who do you lean on? I think it’s about time you lean on me and let me help you. When we’re married, you will never cry again, ever! That is not a promise, it is a vow.”

My son’s voice when I heard him cry for the very first time. And every time he calls me: “Mommy!” or says, “I love you, Mom!”

Is there anything else sweeter than those?

The Dreamer

Once there was a little girl who at the very young age of six had begun dreaming big dreams. She used to tell her mother that she would study hard and when she grows up, she would get a good paying job. Then she would buy her a big television and put it just below the only window they had in their small nipa hut. She would also buy a tall refrigerator and fill it with so many chocolates, cakes, ice cream and all the food that they wanted to eat. She also wanted a big soft bed where they could all sleep together; no more lying on the bamboo floor where, if she lay on her stomach, she was able to see all the long tiny trails created by the ants and earthworms under their house. Her mother would only smile through all these and had always told her to keep dreaming and to strive hard so she could get everything she dreamed of.

Years went by and this little girl became a young lady. Her dreams never changed but instead grew bigger with each passing day. Every time she saw an airplane flying above, she would tell herself, "One day, I'll be flying in one of those crafts." She loved to imagine herself in a foreign land, doing things on her own, earning more money to send to her family back home, experiencing new things and meeting new friends.  So she strived hard to finish at least a two-year course in college and went on her way finding jobs everywhere. She got her first job when she was 20 years old but she never really settled on it. A few more years flew by quickly until one day, the very chance she’d been waiting for came. She was offered a job abroad! She was both so happy and scared: happy that finally she could really help her family have a more comfortable life and that she could help her siblings continue their studies; and scared because it would be the very first time she’d be leaving the comforts of her home and the company of all the people she loved. But her dreams outweighed her fears and so away to a new adventure she went, armed only with her steady determination to give her family a better life and a strong faith in her heart that Jesus and Mary will always be with her to protect her at all times. And the rest is another story…

I Am Beautiful... (In My Own Way)

“You're beautiful!” is a compliment rarely directed my way, moreso when I was young. I remember growing up and being called “negra” and “ita” because my skin was darker than my siblings' and my hair was so curly. My front teeth were like those of a mouse, big and protruding, that I felt embarrassed to open my mouth even to smile. I guess my physical attributes didn't conform to the prevailing standard of beauty then, and i believed them. At a very young age, I developed a huge inferiority complex thinking that I was very, very ugly. I wouldn't even look at the mirror when I was in public comfort rooms fearing that if I did, everyone else in front of the mirror would look at me and see how ugly I was and laugh at me. So if I went to the toilet, I'd rush outside as soon as I was done, with my head bowed down and my eyes on the floor.

During high school days, I was lucky enough to belong to a group of friends who were all beautiful and pretty girls and they were all famous in school except me. When we attended parties, I was always the “wall flower,” rarely asked to dance. Nevertheless, I did gain more friends because of it. While all my friends were dancing with their suitors and boyfriends, I got to talk to and befriend other “wall flowers”.

When I joined youth groups in our parish church, I remember that every time there were youth sessions asking everyone to describe or say something good about each member, I'd always feel nervous when my turn to be in the hot seat came because I knew they won't find anything beautiful about me. And so I always got the safe comments, “she’s nice, she’s quiet, she’s friendly” and sometimes when the person was really polite, he or she would say, “she’s cute.”

But joining these groups actually helped bring some changes in me. I gradually gained confidence in myself. I started to find something good about me. I stopped focusing on my “physical ugliness” and started thinking about how I could help give my family a much better quality of life. So when I got my first job, I had my front teeth pulled out even if they were still healthy and asked the dentist to make me a smaller set of (false) teeth. My self-confidence went up one level higher because of that. I could then flash a more confident smile. I began using skin lotions to make my skin a bit smoother and, I had hoped, whiter. I thought then, that I would need to be more than “cute” if not pretty to get a better job. Beautiful was like hoping for a miracle, so pretty had to do for me. I learned how to put on a little makeup, dress properly and put on some fancy jewelry to take people’s attention away from “me.”

When I had the chance to work abroad, it was then that I realized, I wasn’t too ugly after all. I had a few suitors and it was there that I had my first real relationship. I was 30 years old and I thought it was long past due. But it was also there where I felt deeply hurt by broken relationships. I never felt so alone in my life. Away from all my loved ones and dearest friends, I learned to take care of myself, to do things and make decisions on my own. I learned how to pick myself up and start over every time I made a mistake. I learned that there was real life outside the walls of home and church where I always felt protected and safe. I grew stronger and wiser in the seven years I spent in my second home. And it was also there that I finally realized that beauty is not only in the physical look that one was born with, but also in surviving the trials and hardships of life and coming out of it a different person, a more confident one.

I am grateful to God for letting me experience everything that I’ve been through. I could say that I was an ugly duckling, but now I’m proud to say, I’m not anymore. I still am not beautiful but I can’t ask for anything more. I am happy with who I am right now, with who I have become. I am married now to the most wonderful, loving, and understanding man I have ever met and we have a great and wonderful son. My family is complete and I am happy and thankful for all the blessings God is giving me. Well I guess I still have that wanting to be told that I am (physically) beautiful. But even if my husband does not say it too often, I know in my heart that to at least one person, I am beautiful, and to my son, I am the best mom in the whole world. So what more can I ask for? So allow me to say, “I AM BEAUTIFUL IN MY OWN WAY!” :D